Feeling Stuck
- Anneka Woodhead
- May 2
- 3 min read
So lately I’ve been struggling a bit. You could say I’ve been struggling a lot for the past two years, but just lately I’m having that same struggle that seems to come up now and again. It’s the one that makes me doubt everything I’ve read, listened to or watched on panic disorder for the last two years. The one that makes me doubt that what I’m doing is even helping me. The one that makes me doubt I’m ever going to get past this agoraphobia phase in my life. The one that makes me wonder whether I should stop calling it a phase and start calling it who I am.
So what’s causing this struggle, and all this doubt? Why do I feel like I’m stuck on a never ending fair ground ride that I can’t get off. You know the ones that make you feel so dizzy you feel sick.
I think the biggest cause is the speed of recovery, or should I say lack of speed. Everything seems to be taking so long and progressing so slowly, I’m almost at a stop. I know that recovery, from any mental illness, can take time and is different for every person. I just can’t help but feel that it should be quicker than this. As I walk out of my house each day hoping to go a little further than the day before, I tell myself that I should have reached the end of my street by now.
We live in a world where everything is pretty much instant nowadays. I can open my phone and order whatever I want and it’ll be delivered to me the next day. I can turn on my TV and pick the movie I want to watch and watch is straight away. Gone are the days of trapesing down to Blockbusters and walking up and down the aisles looking for a video to rent. If I want to know how many children Leo DiCaprio has or what the population of Cambodia is, the information is right there at my finger tips in an instant. It’s no wonder therefore, that we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want pretty much as soon as we want it.
When it comes to mental health, nothing is instant. Apart from panic attacks of course, they begin quicker than it takes to have the actual thought that triggered the attack in the first place. Recovery for me has been so slow and this is taking some accepting.
I’m also really struggling with what I need to do to get over this disorder. Again, from what I’ve read, listened to or watched, I’m supposed to be allowing myself to feel the panic, without judgement or attaching any meaning on it. But this is still so hard for me to do. Many people say that we need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Panic attacks are more than uncomfortable, they’re painful and very distressing. Can you ever get used to pain and distress without it impacting your life? I just don’t know.
What makes matters worse is the lack of professional support. I’ve got no one who really knows about panic disorder guiding me through this. The NHS mental health team I was originally assigned to pretty much told me in no uncertain terms they didn’t know how to help me. This left me feeling very alone and destined to feel this way forever.
Fortunately there are people out there who have been through what I’m going through and come out the other side. They are wonderful, selfless individuals who share their anecdotal experience online for free. If it wasn’t for these people I’d be completely lost. I am forever grateful for them. (I will share social media links to some of these individuals below for you)
Where I go from here I just don’t know. What my future will look like is completely uncertain right now. What I DO know is though; I am determined to keep fighting this. I have two wonderful young boys who need me to keep fighting. One day at a time. One exposure at a time. I won’t stop fighting this.
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